Michelle (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} horrorvacuii) wrote in books_out_loud, |
The tense seems to change around - intentional? If not I'd just change:
The ore of your iris
and the dark of your pupil
matching the shade of the dirt slung
over my shoulder.
-- To "match"
And the cave-in spilled off of your lips.
-- To "Spills"
The edit you made on the first and last lines is a good one - drives the point home (I saw it this morning before the edit). Overall I quite like this!
The ore of your iris
and the dark of your pupil
matching the shade of the dirt slung
over my shoulder.
-- To "match"
And the cave-in spilled off of your lips.
-- To "Spills"
The edit you made on the first and last lines is a good one - drives the point home (I saw it this morning before the edit). Overall I quite like this!
